The Christian Cure for Loneliness Isn’t Just More Friends

God doesn’t intend us only to find freedom from loneliness but to find formation in our loneliness.

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My 20s were probably the hardest years of my life because of one word: loneliness.

It’s not that I was completely alone. I had friends. I had roommates. I’d go on the occasional date. I saw my family on holidays. I called and texted people regularly. But all those relationships didn’t feel like enough when I was at home alone on Friday night.

Well-meaning people tried to give me advice: “Just get in a small group. That’s where people find community.” “You just need to get a wife, and it’ll be a lot better.”

While I never cracked the code of how to be single and not feel lonely, I did come to see that God doesn’t intend us only to find freedom from loneliness but to find formation in our loneliness.

Six Practices for Building Faith in Loneliness

While there’s no silver-bullet solution to cure loneliness, a constellation of practices can help form your faith and relationships amid the struggle. Here are six.

1. Story

Recognize that your story is part of a bigger story. If you miss that, you’ll feel really lonely.

In my 20s, I worked two part-time jobs and had three roommates. Yet I spent most of my free time watching entertainment. I was getting lost in other stories. I lost sight of God’s story for my life.

To find my foundation again, I created a personal liturgy, drafting up God’s answers to three questions and reciting them each day:

Who am I? I am a sainted son, turned from sinning slave, who is God’s in both identity and purpose because of Christ (Gen. 1:27–28, Rom. 3:23–24, Rom 8:9–17, Eph. 1:1, 1 Pet. 2:9).

What is my purpose? I live to sacrifice my life in every way, so that God may be glorified and my neighbor might be loved (Rom. 12:1–2, Eph 1:12, 1 Cor. 10:31, Matt. 22:36–40, Matt. 28:19–20).

What is reality? That from him and through him and to him are all things, to him be the glory forever (Rom. 11:33–36; Rev. 7:9–17; Hab. 2:14; Ps. 103).

You’re not left to the whims of smaller, lonelier stories (like your current job, a secular narrative, or entertainment escapism). Instead of a world as small as yourself, you have a world as big as God.

2. Suffering

Loneliness is a form of relational suffering. It’s the feeling you’re not known and loved in a satisfying way. This can emerge for many reasons: a breakup, moving to a new city, living alone, or chronically struggling to make and maintain friendships.

If we have a category for this type of suffering, we can move toward the lonely more effectively. Those who are married can have empathy for those without the built-in community of a family. Those who are single or struggling with loneliness can embrace that it’s OK to ask, “How long, O LORD?” (Ps. 13:1).

3. Solitude

Ironically, the cure for our loneliness lies, in part, with more alone time. But solitude isn’t just “alone time.” Solitude is intentionally pulling away from people to be alone with God. It’s where we make space for our primary relationship.

Ironically, the cure for our loneliness lies, in part, with more alone time. It’s where we make space for our primary relationship.

Jesus loved solitude. Jesus could’ve spent all his time enjoying community (he deserved it) or churning out ministry (he was capable of it), but he didn’t. Instead, he chose to “withdraw to desolate places and pray” (Luke 5:16).

We need more than just time away from our phones. We need deeply intimate time with God. It’s only out of that space with our Savior that we receive stabilizing love instead of insecurity.

I’ve been transformed by silently sitting with God for five to ten minutes every morning. Just like Jesus was beloved before he ever started doing ministry (Matt. 3:16–17), I get to receive love directly from my Father before I step into my day.

4. Strong Relationships

Many men don’t have friendships. And women aren’t out of the woods either. If you feel the pang of friendlessness, you aren’t alone. We neglect friendship because of our busyness, the seduction of social media (which, by and large, doesn’t provide deep friendships), challenges to central social spaces, and our worldwide decline in emotional intelligence.

But to be human is to need friends. And Jesus’s life shows us the power of strong relationships. He had his friends close enough to catch crumbs (Matt. 26:26) and hear his words from the cross (John 19:25–27).

“You are my friends,” Jesus told his closest disciples (15:12–17). And he went even further to call them family (Matt. 12:46–50). Now, we’re a family in the church (Rom. 8:29; 1 Tim 5:1–2). But are we friends? As Drew Hunter contrasts,

Most of what we call friendship is little more than acquaintanceship. But acquaintanceship is to friendship what snorkeling is to deep‑sea diving. Snorkeling is fine, but skimming along the surface isn’t exploring the deep.

To go deep, consider your existing circle of relationships. Where can you double down on time or intimacy with the people already in your life? Perhaps it’s getting a monthly breakfast with a church friend.

I reconnected with my former college roommate a few years ago. We’d kept loosely in touch, but we decided to commit to a monthly phone call to share our lives with one another. Now, this is one of my most satisfying relationships.

5. Small Relationships

One of the best cures for loneliness may be within reach: talking to the people you encounter every day. This everyday connection can go deeper than pleasantries. Opening up with your local barista, grocery-store cashier, or postal worker can help turn the tide of loneliness.

Cambridge mental health researcher Olivia Remes offers help for initiating satisfying everyday conversations:

Start talking with as many people as you can (“How is your day?” “Where are you from?”).

Then share about yourself (What do you like? What do you think? What’s your opinion?). “Believe it or not, when we take the risk to say what’s really on our mind, that’s when we create connection,” encourages Remes. Of course, we do this with grace (Col. 4:6).

When possible, be willing to ask people more intentional questions (“What do you think about that?”).

These steps could open up future conversations, provide an opportunity to pray for someone, or just put a smile on your face. Both deep friendships and small everyday connections are critical.

6. Scheduling

Be proactive in filling your schedule with social encounters. Write down some practices that are life-giving to you, like running or reading, and make sure those get into your regular rhythm. And then include people in those practices. One of my single friends recently shared with me how she builds relationships into her life cadence:

Every month, she spends an evening with one of her best friends.

Every other week, she gathers with her small group.

Every week, she has dinner with friends who promise to “show up however [they] are.”

Every day, she uses her dog-walking or commute time to call a friend or family member.

Even as a busy professional, she has considered which commitments are worth her time (like small group) and how to fit people into her existing habits (like dog walking). Because of that, her calendar has made her relational web strong.

Freedom and Formation

These six practices aren’t a checklist to exhaust you. They’re practices to help you find freedom and formation, even if you still feel lonely sometimes.

To be human is to need friends.

After all, loneliness can point us to God. As A. W. Tozer tells us, “It is this very loneliness that throws [man] back upon God. . . . His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else.” We can turn loneliness into solitude and see friendship as a gift from our gracious God.